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Note: I cheated. This column appeared first in Computer Access in 1989. I revised it slightly and ran it in The Minnesota Daily several years later.

The Screwtape Memo
By John Slothower

Several weeks ago the following memo appeared in my electronic mail box. While I have no idea who sent it I am confident of its authenticity. Read it and judge for yourself.

MEMO
FROM: P. Screwtape, Manager, Computer Support
TO: W. Wormwood, Applications Specialist
RE: Welcome and review of job priorities

My Dear Mr. Wormwood,

Now that you have been on the job for several weeks I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the University and especially to the Computer Support Division. I am sure you will enjoy your work with us and your immediate supervisor indicates that you are showing great promise. However, there are a few points that I would like to make clear concerning your work.

First, as you no doubt know, the mission of CS is to make information available to all departments and to help these departments use computers effectively. What you seem to have missed in interpreting this mission statement is the first corollary to the mission statement, which is: we intend to lead the users into ever greater dependence upon computers and, thus, dependence upon CS. As an applications specialist you are in the forefront in dealing directly with users and furthering our goals.

Secondly, as an application specialist you job is NOT to teach users to do things for themselves but rather to make them painfully aware of how much they need you. You must foster an ongoing sense of gratitude on their part for the time you grudgingly give to them.

With these points in mind I would like to provide some guidance for you. For instance, it was reported to me last week that you were seen showing an accounting supervisor how to use the on-line help files to figure out how to solve a problem. THIS SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. We have disciplined the programmer who installed the files in the first place, an unconscionable act, but the deeper problem is the existence of a department head WHO THINKS SHE CAN SOLVE HER OWN PROBLEMS.

This is a potentially disastrous situation that can be salvaged only by quick and decisive action on your part. For instance you may want to point out to the manager that, yes, she is certainly talented and it is possible for her to puzzle out a solution, but it would be much quicker for an experienced CS person to take care of the problem, freeing her for her important work as a supervisor.

This has two benefits. First, it reinforces the image of CS as helpful miracle workers and, secondly, strokes her ego about how important her time is to the University. Most importantly she will be completely distracted and forget that her original goal was to become independent of Computer Support.

Another point to remember is that University policy on personal computer use specifically states that at no time will games be played on PCs. Ignore this. Games are important. In fact I suggest you always keep a couple of disks of games in your pocket so that after working with a user you can casually say, "by the way, I ran across this amusing game the other day that you might enjoy" and pass them a disk. Install it if you want. The user will be appreciative of you and, because the game came from a CS person, they will naturally assume there is no reason not to play during work hours.

Games are good. They keep users from mucking around with the programs and learning to use them properly. Secondly, the games tie up resources and cut productivity, giving us ammunition to fight for bigger and better computers in order to increase productivity. It's a vicious cycle which we always win.

Finally, my dear Wormwood, remember that the answer to the question "How do I . . ." is ALWAYS, "Let me do it." Never encourage users to do it themselves and, if they insist, make the instructions as convoluted as possible. Also, I have heard rumors that you told a secretary that, "It would be easier to do it by hand." My dear Wormwood, you will be the death of me yet. NOTHING is easier by hand. Ever. We must accustom users to always doing everything on computer no matter how awkward. We must have them totally dependent upon us, and never questioning that dependence. For example I have the secretaries so well trained that they will spend three hours using a graphics program to produce a sketch that could be done by hand in two minutes, and they never even pause to question the rightness of what they are doing.

As you can see, we in CS have our jobs cut out for ourselves and we must pay attention to the small details. This will make all the difference in the success of our department.

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